mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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