I think my fart just growled at me.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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