I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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