i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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