I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
