the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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