I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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