nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I wish I could punch you in the face.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
