took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
