I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Randomize
