I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
