I think my fart just growled at me.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize