So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I checked into jail on foursquare
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
