What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
