Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
