Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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