I could make wine with my vomit
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
