The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
the raccoons are back...
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