Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
