The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
