You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
A bitchslap is in order.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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