my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
