I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
