mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
