I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
