im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
