Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
