You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
pray to the hookup gods
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
