Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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