he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
