Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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