my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
