Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Randomize
