You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
