i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
