first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
