your parents love me but you hate me
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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