That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
