I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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