She's JV to your varsity
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just had sex on a roof
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
