it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
