i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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