oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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