the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
