Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
