me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
