tonight lets celebrate not being married
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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