just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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