He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
