i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
