i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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