she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
