your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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