Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
