____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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