Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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