all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
