well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
