I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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