you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
