Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
