On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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