weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize