Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
