i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
