So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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