If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
