I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize