im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
