god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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