just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
